My Sweet Ting Ting

On this day we celebrate life. Not just life, but hope.

Six years ago today, my precious Avree was left by a tree in front of a Chinese orphanage as a newborn. I often wonder why her birth mother couldn't keep her. Perhaps Chinese law, fear, or just that she didn't want her. Most infants are found in dumpsters or sewers, but her mother chose to bring her to a safe place; a place where she would be cared for & would have a chance.

She was named An Ting (Chinese word for tree) by the orphanage- my little Ting Ting. Although we may never know who her birth mother is, I am forever grateful that she chose to bring her that day. Little did we know, 13 months later, she would be ours & we would celebrate the 4.5 year wait that adoption brought. Although we spent years praying, saving & hoping, it was worth every moment. For God knew exactly what our family needed-- our Avree Brynn.

I remember laying eyes on her for the very first time… in her bright orange jumpsuit, she was the most beautiful child I had ever seen. And although she didn't know how to be held or loved, at 16 years old, I had so much love to give. In all my life, I never expected a little Chinese girl from halfway across the world to change my life forever. She has shown me what it means to love someone more than myself. She has given me more joy than I ever knew possible. She has loved me unconditionally & made me smile like never before. She is my sunshine, my love, my best buddy. Those almond-shaped brown eyes hold life, excitement, anticipation & love. I could never imagine my life without her in it. She has shown me what it means to have the faith of a child in the way she loves & talks about Jesus like He's sitting here with us.

And although my football-loving, karate-doing, horse-riding, tomboy sister & I are complete opposites, we are completely perfect together. Happy 6th birthday to my precious Avree girl. KK loves you more than you'll ever know!

It's Time for Us to Do Something.

You know, the topic keeps coming up. And I feel like when God does that, it means He wants me to listen.

I've been leading a study by Priscilla Shirer on Discerning the Voice of God. This is something that I have really struggled with, especially over the past year. As Titus & I have been praying about what God has for us in Peru, I have felt a distance between God & I growing. I have felt afraid of what He may ask me to do. I have felt torn with my heart in two places. I have been almost avoiding really listening to God because I almost don't want to hear what He has to say. That's been something hard for me to admit but the truth all the same.

Last week, our friends from Scripture Union: Peru came to speak to a group from our church on the situation with the boys' homes in Peru & their financial troubles, seeking to raise awareness & support. I found myself in tears listening to stories about "my boys." It just felt so real, so close, so personal to me.  Titus & I had a chance to share a little at the end of the night & Titus shared scripture from James 1:27-

Pure & genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans & widows in their distress & refusing to let the world corrupt you. 

As Titus & I have reflected on the night, we have been discussing our duty as believers-- what God has specifically called us to do as His children, not things that are merely suggested. According to James 1:27, we are to care for orphans & widows in their distress. Again we see--

Give to the one who asks you and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow. Matthew 5:42

Defend the weak & the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor & the oppressed. Rescue the weak & the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. Psalm 82:3-4

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up & judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor & needy. Proverbs 31:8-9

You know, it's almost sickening to look at the statistics in the world. I can't find exact numbers but I know the number of people dying from preventable causes like hunger & hygiene is staggering. If we as professing Christians took seriously what God's Word says & actually did something about it, maybe those numbers wouldn't be so large. I know it can be overwhelming to look at things on a large scale, but it all starts with helping one person at a time. And it isn't a suggestion at all. It's a command that God says in His Word over & over again. Maybe we should listen...

...A few weeks ago, my 5 year old sister Avree started to notice homeless people on the side of the road with signs asking for help. Personally as a young woman, I generally won't give to others in these situations for safety reasons when I am alone. Avree asked me what they wanted & I explained a little to her about what it meant to be homeless & how they wanted help. "Can we give them some money?" she asked. I explained that sometimes in these situations, money is not always helpful because of things like addictions (in kid terms, of course). She asked me if there was something we could do like give them like food or things the could use. I remembered something I had seen a couple years ago where people put together bags of supplies & kept them in their car to pass out to homeless people they saw. I told Avree we could get some things at the store to put bags together for those people with a Bible to show them that someone cares & Jesus loves them. She loved the idea & was over the top excited to go shopping & pick out little treasures to fill the bags. My heart smiled as we went through Wal-Mart & she said things like, "Oh, they would love this!" or "Do you think this would be something they could use?" We put them all together & she proudly showed her work with the precious innocence of a child.

You know, I'll be honest- I often look the other way when I see the homeless. I don't see them through Jesus' eyes & I automatically judge & see addiction, unwise choices, & lives entangled with sin. But Avree saw them differently. She saw them as people who needed help, & we could do something to help them. She really taught me a lesson that day. A lesson that God has been impressing in my heart for quite sometime now-- God created us, and we can-- and should-- do something to love those who are destitute, poor, unloved, & forgotten.

As I was thinking on all this, I happened to see a beautiful video on Facebook that encompassed this thought so well-- it definitely brought a tear to my eye. You can check it out here.

I love the song Do Something by Matthew West. So often we think someone else will do something. But maybe, just maybe, God has put that person in your path as a way for you to show His love to the world. Matthew 25:37-40 says,

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ 

Think about it.

Do Something

by Matthew West

I woke up this morning
Saw a world full of trouble now
Thought, how’d we ever get so far down
How’s it ever gonna turn around
So I turned my eyes to Heaven
I thought, “God, why don’t You do something?”
Well, I just couldn’t bear the thought of
People living in poverty
Children sold into slavery
The thought disgusted me
So, I shook my fist at Heaven
Said, “God, why don’t You do something?”
He said, “I did, I created you”

If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it’s time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It’s not enough to do nothing
It’s time for us to do something

I’m so tired of talking
About how we are God’s hands and feet
But it’s easier to say than to be
Live like angels of apathy who tell ourselves
It’s alright, “somebody else will do something”
Well, I don’t know about you
But I’m sick and tired of life with no desire
I don’t want a flame, I want a fire
I wanna be the one who stands up and says,
“I’m gonna do something”

We are the salt of the earth
We are a city on a hill
But we’re never gonna change the world
By standing still
No we won’t stand still

If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it’s time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It’s not enough to do nothing
It’s time for us to do something

Covered by His grace alone, 

Kailee

We Are The Poor Ones.

This started as a Facebook post, but I think there might be a limit as to how long a status can be… 

I've been thinking on this for a few months now. I guess it's about time to put these thoughts onto "paper." 

Through a heart filled with abundant joy & also tears of sorrow that hurt my heart so deep, I have finally finished the book I set out to read months ago. A friend lent it to me, telling me that her writing style reminded her of me. I saw it as it sat on my shelf. I read the first couple chapters & was amazed, but as life got in the way, weeks went by as it sat on my nightstand. Now that Titus & I are vacationing in Florida, away from the distractions of our daily lives, I've finally been able to snuggle up on my beach chair & read the words of a truly incredible young woman.

I am completely blown away at the sheer obedience & testament of Katie Davis. It's almost unbelievable in our every day Christian American culture-  she left everything-- her family, college, boyfriend, & American life-- & became the single mother to 14 abandoned & orphaned girls in Uganda. And it just so happens that she is the exact same age as I am. 

Something in Katie's book really stuck out to me. Something I've been trying to say, but couldn't quite put into words about my precious boys in Peru. Something I have sat on for months & just didn't quite know how to say, but I wanted everyone to hear it. 

The more I've served in Peru, the more I see the boys for who they truly are- not for their "condition" or their lives in the jungle. But more so for the precious, incredible people they are. The way they see you & their face lights up. The way they clean up after themselves at dinner. They way they look into your eyes with a smile that melts your heart- like you're the only person in the world. There's just something about them that makes them… different. And oh, so beautiful. It's something I rarely see in a child in America. It's something that blesses & touches my heart far deeper than I can explain.

Upon my return to the U.S. after my summer trip to Peru, I kept getting really frustrated when people say things like, "I'm sure you see how fortunate we are to live in America when you serve there," or "Wow, it's so sad that they live the way they do." It actually made me really angry when I would hear these things; when I would hear people speak of the poverty, the lack of resources, or looked down on them because of their situation. I wasn't quite sure what was making me feel this way. And it turns out that Katie was also asked these questions & responds in a way that touched my heart in a very special way:

At first glance, it would be easy to feel sorry for these little boys. Their clothes are tattered; they sleep on old, dirty mattresses; they walk to school barefoot in the rain. They have no electricity, no running water, & it's raining so hard that the whole compound has become a muddy swamp. But I should not pity these children. In fact, I should envy them. At 6 years old, these children know what it is to be filled with the Holy Spirit. These children know the greatness, the wonder of our God.

I've had people ask me why I think Africa is so impoverished, but these children are not poor. I, as a person who grew up wealthy, am. I put value in things. These children, having no things, put value in God. I put my trust in relationships; these children having already seen relationship fail, put their trust in the Lord. This nation is blessed beyond any place, any people I have ever encountered. God has not forgotten them. In fact, I believe He has loved them just a little bit extra.

I sit here freezing & wet in his pitch-black room as the rain beats down on the roof, & God is so close I feel I can touch Him. My deepest prayer is that I could know the Lord as well as the 1st grader next to me. All my senses are full of His greatness. God's glory has fallen down into this place & is soaking us even deeper than the rain. I never, ever want to be dry.

Wow. I wish I could say that so eloquently, instead of getting so fired up when I hear people speak of the lives of the Girasoles boys like they are a spectacle-- something we only hear about & could never live like. The fact that these are real people, real lives, just makes something flare up in me. But I think it's a good type of frustration. One that ignites passion to not be like the rest of our apathetic Christian culture. But a passion to live like my boys do-- taking relationships, with others & the Lord, so much deeper & more seriously. Their lives aren't clouded with the distractions of technology, abundance, or "stuff." They are so much more open to clearly see what is important & how God created us to be. 

Katie talks in her book about Matthew 25, which I think is a very important picture to show us as believers what we are called to do:

 "Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

 "Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’  Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

(verse 34-46)

You know, God takes it pretty seriously how we feed the hungry, give to those less fortunate, & serve the lesser man. Those who were not obedient went away to eternal punishment. I don't know about you, but I want to be the righteous one. I want to be the one in eternal life with my Lord. I want to know Him far deeper than what's "expected" of an everyday American Christian. I want that deep, passionate love. I don't want to be so distracted by this world & miss out on what He has for me. I don't want to loose that relationship I could potentially have, one of deep passion, reliance, & faith. 

Katie says it so beautifully in her words in her book, talking about the culture shock she felt being back in the States after living in Uganda for a year; like a stranger in her native land: 

But what has been the biggest shock in my system, the huge disconnect, is that I have stepped out of my reliance on God to meet my needs. I "miss" Jesus. He hasn't disappeared, of course, but I feel so far from Him because my life is actually functioning without Him. By "functioning," I mean that if I am sick, I go to the drugstore or the doctor. If I am hungry, I go to the grocery store. If I need to go somewhere, I get in my car. When I need some advice or guidance, I call my mom or plop on my roommate's bed. If I want to feel happy, I get my little bother to make me laugh.

I keep forgetting to ask God first to heal me, to fill me, to guide me, to rejoice with me. I have to set aside "time to pray" in the morning and at night instead of being in a constant communication with Him. In Uganda, because I was so physically "poor," I was completely dependent on God & spiritually as wealthy as ever. As I sit here writing, I am frustrated with my own stupidity, my human willingness to step back into dependance on stud & these places I swore I detested.

And boy, is that me: merely "functioning" & forgetting to leave in complete dependance & constant communication with my God. I pray that He would awaken in me, in us as believers, a desire to truly be close to Him. To take Him at His word. To love the unlovable. To do as His Word commands. To follow harder & more deeply after Him. To quit living lives of complacency and instead live lives in complete abandon & utter reliance on Him. To quit trusting in our American "stuff" & start trusting in His promises to always provide for us & to give us a life far more beautiful than this world could ever offer. 

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.  James 1:27

Covered by His Grace Alone,

kb

I'm Not in Control

"This is it," I thought to myself as I stood in the airport with my husband & 9 other team members. "We've finally made it. All this hard work- and we're finally doing this!" It was my first time leading a mission team to another country. Never in a million years would I have seen myself at the age of 21, married & traveling to another country on my 6th visit with my very own team. It's funny to think on my first trip to Peru. I really don't even know why I went back. It was everything that wasn't me. Heat. Bugs. No a/c. Unfamiliar food. Heat. River baths. Playing soccer. Heat. Outdoors. I could go on, but you get the idea. Peru was not anything that encompassed me or my personality, but God softened my heart to something deeper. Something that lies in the precious chocolate brown eyes that make me weak at the knees. Something special. Something important. And obviously, I couldn't stay away.

As we all set in the airport in Atlanta, waiting for our international flight, my eyes scanned the group sitting before me. I say "my" team… what I really mean is God's team- that He entrusted us to lead to another country to go love on 40 of the most incredible children I've ever met. You see, I never thought I would get to this point. Just a short 5 weeks before, I gripped my iPhone through burning tears streaming down my face- another team member had dropped out moments before I was to purchase the *very expensive* international flight reservations. Number 7. Our team that once stood at 18 folks was down to a slim 11. Only 2 of my original members now sat on that list. My heart was broken. I was angry, defeated, hurt, and at a loss- what was I supposed to do? It was at that moment that I really considered calling it all off. Forget the hours upon hours of fundraising. Forget the car washes, bake sales, donation drives, and making deliveries. Forget the people that faithfully gave with the heart to give these children some hope & encouragement. Forget the tug on mine & Titus' hearts to lead a team. Just forget it all…

Through tears I began calling the 9 team members still left on my list. With each phone call I heard the words, "I'm in this. We have to go. We can't cancel the trip." After hanging up with one of my very dearest friends who was in this with me from day one, Titus & I took some time in prayer & made the decision- we are going to do this. Even without the 15 minimum members we're supposed to have. Even with a group consisting of most that had never been on a mission trip before. Even with doubts, fears, and frustrations. "We can't do much," I thought. But somehow I had to trust God through that…

And through all of this, I really think the biggest thing the Lord taught me through it all was trust. And it wasn't even something I expected to learn. You see, I really prefer to be in control. I wouldn't say I'm super controlling in nature, but I am a planner, and I really like to know what's going on- all the time. You know what's funny is, even from the beginning- I was never in control. Titus & I began our Peru team planning with the mindset of handpicking a super strong team: military guys, survival junkies, outdoor lovers, strong married couples, close friends, construction workers… it was the perfect team, right? We could do all the things we need to in Peru- knock out a ton of construction, be a light by showing what godly marriages look like, have people that thrive in the environment. Well, as you can see, that's not quite what happened. Nearly every person on "our team" couldn't come for one reason or another. And that control was slowly slipping through my finger. I wrestled with God. I was pretty stubborn about asking random acquaintances to join me. Because I'm protective of the boys, I didn't want people that weren't going to understand the impact their actions- positive or negative- would make on these children, many abandoned with distorted views of love, God, & relationships. Through the humbling, I learned to trust. Learned to trust that even from the beginning, God had handpicked each team member that would go on that trip. I learned to trust that it wasn't my doings or my choice to have specific people on this trip. It was God's & God's alone.

With time running out to fundraise, I poured my heart & soul into fundraising so people could go (there's that control mindset again). "If I could get everyone their money," I thought, "then it will all work out & we can go." Guess what? Wrong again. While we did have some really successful fundraisers, all the money just wasn't there. Having 3 team members join mere weeks before our departure, the account was more than a little lacking. My mom was kind enough to let me charge tickets on her credit card so we could make reservations, but I had no idea what we were going to do come time to pay the bill. But God's still small voice (boy, am I glad He doesn't give up on my stubbornness…) whispered to my heart, "Just trust me, I've got this." And He did. When I fully relinquished that control to Him, He showed up in ways I could have never imagined. It wasn't until after the trip that I would see our account was perfectly balanced, down to the last dollar, but through it all, I was able to surrender to His ultimate control in the situation, and boy, was I blessed by it.

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
                                              and have made the Lord their hope and confidence." Jeremiah 17:7

I said before that life in Peru didn't really encompass me & who I was. Well, that's quite true. But I will say that I have never had a more wonderful, comfortable, Spirit-filled trip than this one. I have been to Peru 5 times prior, & have never felt like I did on this one. Something was just… different. I really don't know how to explain it. Maybe it was the Spirit of God walking right alongside me as I relinquished control & fully trusted in His ultimate will. It was like a got just a small glimpse of what Heaven is like-- walking hand in hand with Him, loving the least of these & never wanting to leave.

Truthfully, I have spent months trying to blog about my trip and for some reason I just couldn't. It's like I just can't explain exactly how God worked. It's like no one will really understand what it is that makes me love that place like I do unless they've been there. It's like I can say all these words, but they really don't mean a lot in comparison to this everyday American life we live, one of materialism, busyness, complete dependance on money & status, having very little "use" for God. It's almost frustrating to try because I know I can't do it justice. But if I can say anything that may be understandable, it's that the Lord truly did a work in me. My life has been forever changed by the 40 precious, dark-haired, brown-eyed "angels with dirty faces" who I love more than I could ever have imagined. It's only by His grace alone that I am so drawn to this people group, with ones whose language I cannot even understand, to love and invest in ways I never dreamed possible. And wow, it is truly exhilarating to be completely out of my comfort zone & right in the center of His will-- trusting it wherever it takes me.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."  Romans 12:2

Covered by His grace alone,

kb

Like Gideon's Army

Wow, what a trip the last month has been! At times I've felt terribly overwhelmed, stressed, & overcommitted. At other times I've felt joy, gratefulness, & peace. God is teaching me to rejoice in all seasons & to cling close to Him during the busy ones so I might also use them as a time of rejoicing. 

I spent the last few weeks directing a few drama camps at the Playhouse. It was a LOT of work & planning but some great teaching experience & some really fun times with some precious girls. We put on a play with a group that came in every morning for 2 weeks. They were fantastic & I loved working with them. In the afternoon I did some intro to theatre camps first with 1-3 grade & also with 4-8 grade. The groups presented some challenges at times, but was overall a fun & meaningful experience. 

Before camp began a few weeks back, I almost cancelled our Peru trip. After having 4 people drop out in the matter of a couple days, just moments from purchasing the pricey international plane tickets. Our team was now down to 11- with 15 as the minimum. I was deflated, hurt, & hopeless. Why would God allow this to happen? Was this a sign that we weren't supposed to go? Through tears of frustration, I prayed, asking God to clearly show me if we were supposed to go on this trip or not. Not long after, Titus & I were talking & he brought up a story I know so well- that of Gideon. If you aren't familiar, Gideon was going in to battle with a huge army to fight for land. He was ready, armed, and backed by thousands of men. Well, God had different plans. More than once, God took men away from Gideon's once powerful army. Soon leaving him with a mere few to fight his battle. I'm sure Gideon must have had some doubt- but he trusted God. He didn't question. He obeyed the Lord's instruction & was able to overtake the land with no weapons. 

Titus laughed as he said, "maybe our team is like Gideon's army- God is making a way for the few, but faithful." And that He was. After some prayerful consideration, I was overwhelmed with peace in purchasing 11 plane tickets. 11 like the faithful disciples. And we were ready. 

The weeks leading up to Peru were crazy, to say the least. But it all came together. God provided funds, supplies, details & everything that was necessary to get our faithful 11 to Peru. They may not have been our initial "hand-selected" team, but they were indeed selected by God. And oh, what a blessing they were. 

Stay tuned for our Peru update! 

Covered by His grace alone, 

Kb

Southern Whirlwind

Well, it's been a while once again. Life is a whirlwind in the South but it is beautiful & it is blessed. 

Titus & I moved into our little apartment in Rock Hill. It's convenient for Titus' school but inconvenient the other 5 days of the week. We've been praying for The Lord to provide the perfect home for us in the Lake Wylie area where our lives seem to reside now- 

Before we moved, we were temporarily staying with some friends in the Lake Wylie area. We had been visiting churches & trying to establish our lives here again. They invited us to come to church with them which met in the Bowl n Bounce. Now I'm all for church plants but the notion sounded a little strange to me. We went a couple times & ended up having an immediate connection with the Pastor & his family- a beautiful wife & 5 precious children. We decided to call Relevant our church home & began looking for ways to serve. 

Titus was soon offered the position of Director of Student Ministries over the youth & began teaching on Sunday nights. I was then asked to step in as Director of Children's Ministries & work with the K-5th graders on Sunday mornings. As we kneeled praying with Matt & Elizabeth one evening, I had to laugh- this was never where I expected to be. Ministry was not in the plans for me. And it really hadn't been for Titus either. But it's amazing to see how God grows & uses us in the ways HE sees fit. 

Right before beginning my senior year in college, I felt this push to go into elementary education- well, more like a shove. I did NOT want to be a teacher & I loved kids but I really needed a break after all my nannying through college. I wanted a "real" job & kids weren't in that idea. And again, God just smiles & says, "You just wait & see."

Well, I decided I couldn't escape it, I added education to my major. When all is said & done, I'll have my degree in Interdisciplinary Studies with a focus on business, education & religion- which happens to be a perfectly wonderful blend for my Children's Ministry position (just like God!). 

I ended up being called in as a long term substitute to finish out the final 7 weeks of school at Lake Pointe Academy, where I graduated high school from. I loved my time with my sweet 1-2 graders in art class & put on a production of "The Jungle Book" with an elementary drama class. I liked not having to be in the classroom all day every day while teaching something I enjoy. I was asked back to LPA in the fall & I'm excited to gain that experience. 

Titus & I have also been dealing with the challenges of leading our very first mission team. Life on the planning side is way different- I've poured myself into fundraising so my team members could go, spent hours counting money & coordinating details, recruiting people only to have them drop out... It has been an exhausting learning experience that I know The Lord is using to mold & shape me info His likeness, desiring me to release control & put full TRUST in Him in the small things & the big ones (more on this later). We're nearing the trip in only 18 days- can't believe the time is finally here. It's going to be so freeing to completely disconnect from this crazy life in the US & pour my energy into sharing love & building relationships. 

Not to mention I will be directing 3 kids drama camps up until we leave... It's a little busy around here, but praising Him for the opportunities He has blessed me with in many areas & thanking Him for being my strength when I have none. 

Until next time... 

So grateful to be 

COVERED BY HIS GRACE ALONE,

kb

But What About the Plan?

Plans.

I like plans. Plans are good. Plans make me happy. I'm good at planning. I thrive on planning. Shoot, I'd love a career in it. Nothing excites me more than to plan a vacation or event.

I love plans.

Our God is a God of order, yes. But sometimes (oftentimes, I'm finding), His plans are so so much different than ours. They don't always seem logically in our little human minds. They don't even seem like plans sometimes. They seem like chaos. Confusion. Waiting. And well, God & I have been having some talks about plans lately.

So, obviously I'm a planner. God knows that. It's how I was wired, and I really like that He made me that way. It's always been a strong point, and it comes in very good use at times. Plans are not a bad thing. They're actually very good. But during this season of my life, it's truly been impossible to have a plan. I mean really, with all this Air Force stuff we've been going through with Titus' separation, it's impossible to know from one day to the next what life will hold. When Titus was granted a medical retirement, I thought life outside the military would be so much different as far as planning and knowing our next steps and being able to act on them, rather than waiting on the military to make up their mind. But it's funny- because that whole planning thing hasn't been working out real well...

God has shaken us. He has turned our world upside down- more than once. God hasn't really been allowing us to have a plan. Things have been uncertain about how long we will live here, job opportunities have been hazy, future school plans have been unknown. It has been next to impossible to make a plan-- and this is not how I operate!!! I've felt frustration, anger, & bad attitudes creep in. I know that I've been a very nice wife because my plans have been very thwarted, & that's something I'm not used to. And I do not like it. So like a little 5 year old, I pout & fuss & stomp my feet. This is NOT my way.

So, I'm in the middle of the study Power of a Praying Wife (by Stormie Omartian) right now with my women's group.  What's funny is that I'm supposed to be praying all these things for my husband, about his walk with the Lord, his choices, his career-- which are all great, but they actually are really applicable prayers that I truly need to be praying for myself. And guess what last week's lesson was on? Praying for your husband's attitude. And what I really needed to put in check was my own. God & I have had a long talk about my attitude & the negative thoughts plaguing my mind. It's been a huge struggle to not get my way & to have my plans ripped out from underneath me- more than once. But I will say that God has truly been faithful. I have really been working on my attitude in this area, focusing on daily (sometimes hourly…) surrender to Him so that I can be a positive, uplifting, and encouraging part of my husband's day. Because really, who wants to be around someone who is grumpy & rude all the time? I don't even want to be around myself! But I am working to change that, & God is growing me, one day at a time. He's breaking me from this pattern so I can learn trust. Faith. Contentment. He's putting me in the "Mary" mindset rather than the "Martha" one. He wants to talk to me, have me at His feet rather than have me running around executing my plan & missing out on what He is teaching my stubborn, selfish heart. When my plans are changed, when I don't get my way, it makes me think of the words of Isaiah in chapter 55, verses 8-9:


For my thoughts are not your thoughts,    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.9  For as the heavens are higher than the earth,    so are my ways higher than your ways    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

It's true that His ways are not ours. I am seeing that every day. But His ways are better than ours. They're so much higher. So much greater. So much more than we could ever imagine. And He is really teaching me to have faith in that. After all, He promises… 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

-Jeremiah 29:11

Trusting in that plan makes me realize that sometimes planning isn't in His plan. Sometimes we just have to have faith & trust. Faith that God's plan is bigger than ours. And trust that He won't ever let us down. That His Will will always prevail. And all that planning may cause us to miss out on what He truly wants to teach us. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to miss out on that.

Wow, I really am a mess sometimes… But I sure am glad that I am covered by HIS grace alone. 

Until next time,

Kailee

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." 

-Proverbs 16:9

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." 

-Proverbs 19:21

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight." 

-Proverbs 3:5-6

I Married Young.

With all these new articles circulating online about young marriage in a positive light rather than the usual negative, I felt the nudge to write my own thoughts on it. 

Well, here it is.

I was married at the young age of 20 & just celebrated my first anniversary at the end of 2013. Now don't get me wrong- I love marriage. Love it. It's seriously one of the very best things that has ever happened to me on this earth. But I often start to cringe when I hear girls say to me "oh, I'm so glad you love marriage because everyone is against us getting married young." 

Here's the deal- it's not an age thing. 

Now, I think it's safe to say I'm a little ahead of my time in age. Being the oldest of 6 children, I feel like I grew up pretty quickly. I was a little mother to my 2 younger brothers. I took my adopted sister in as my own, & I'm sure she thought I was her mommy. Thanks to some home-schooling, I graduated at the age of 16 & started college that fall. And at the age of 17, I met the man that I would marry just a few years later. 

My story isn't like most people's my age. Most people who are just starting off in college don't also have their own apartment that they pay for or their own car that they paid in full from summers of babysitting. Not to boast, but I was pretty self sufficient, you could say. Therefore, I would say most young people my age were not at the same stage of life as I was when I got married. And that's completely ok. It's just that I was different. I had already been faced with a lot of things financially, relationally & spiritually that may not have even crossed their minds yet at the age of 20. So goes my thoughts... 

Marriage is a BIG DEAL. Like it's huge. I'm really and truly saddened when I see girls get engaged just as a social status or to plan their Pinterest perfect wedding. God really humbled me by allowing me to pay for my own wedding because I learned a vastly important lesson- it is SO MUCH MORE than one day. It's about a life time. Sure you want to celebrate with those you love & have your dream wedding to tell your kids about & to experience one day where you're a princess but hey, listen up- that wedding is so, so SO small in the grand scheme of the rest of your life. 

It's kinda like sex. As a Christian couple who chose to save sex for the wedding night, you dream up all this stuff in your head about what it'll be like. You get excited thinking about intimacy, & it can often consume your thoughts because you love the other person so much that you just can't wait to give yourself to them. You lay awake at night thinking about it. But after you get married... It's funny how little of your marriage that involves sex. Don't get me wrong- of course sex is a hugely important gift & blessing that shouldn't be neglected but seriously people, how much sex can you really have? When it's all said & done, how many hours are left in the day?! It's a lot. So here comes the big part- friendship. 

Marriage isn't just about loving to have sex with someone. It's also not just solely about love (although it wouldn't be possible without it). It's not just about commitment. It's also about friendship. And I see SO many couples go wrong here at my age & beyond. It's funny because usually when you start out a relationship with the opposite sex, it begins with friendship. Whether it immediately becomes romantic or it does overtime, friendship should always be at the roots. But it gets lost. We forget to be friends. We get so caught up in dating, life, & future plans that somehow that vastly important detail gets left out. Then we're engaged & all we're talking about is the wedding or where we're going to live or what careers we will pursue. And then, even before you hit 30, you realize you barely even know what this person sitting across from you likes. Do I really know what makes them smile? Do I conciously make the effort to not do things that drive them up the wall? 

Friendship. Guys, it's so important. At any age- at every age. Actually liking the person your with is huge. I used to laugh at Titus when he would tell me he likes me. Well, duh honey, you married me. But he would say, "No, I really like you. I like the person we are. I like being friends with you." I know I am Titus' best friend. I'm the one he calls when he's excited. Or disappointed. I'm the one he vents to when he's angry. I'm the one he wants to spend time with almost all the time. The one he prefers to sit beside. The one he feels safe with. The one he trusts with all his secrets. 

I am so grateful that we share this blessing of friendship early in our marriage. I recently read an article by Mark Drischoll where he talked about his biggest mistake in his first 10 years of marriage was not truly being friends with his wife. He learned to be but they spent a long time being together but not truly enjoying the blessing & joy of being friends too. 

So no matter your age, friendship is a vastly important martial key. Not just sex or a wedding or that stupid little Facebook relationship status symbol that may as well light up & start pouring out confetti when you click "engaged." I know I'm no expert in my little 365+ days of marriage, but I think some would agree with me.

Another reason I cringe when young marriage is glorified is because truly, they just  have no idea what marriage really means. They are just naive. And I'm not downing them because they are but they really have no idea what it means to completely love a person. To be humble. To be totally selfless. To do everything with someone. Forever. But I can't really say I did either. This is true of both young couples & ones that get married later in life. Our selfish human nature doesn't want to give up our own desires & well-being over that of another- no matter how much we think we love them. 

You know, in my first year of marriage I learned more about myself than I ever really wanted to know. The true colors came out. I did things and said things that I never would have seen myself doing or saying. And not all of them were good things. Some of them I was really ashamed of. The way I have overreacted, blown up, responded in frustration have not been pretty. But I will say this- never before in my life have I ever wanted to become a better, more humble, godly, & patient woman than in my marriage. Being with a man who gives me so much more grace than I deserve, who treats me like a princess when I act like a brat, who would give me the world & completely spoils me & puts me on a pedestal, I have been more humbled than ever before. In all of my mess, God has given me the most tremendous blessing in a God-fearing, honest & loving man & all I want to do is be better. I want to love him better. Serve him better. Forgive him better. Encourage him better. I want to be the absolute best wife & woman I can be for my husband. And that's why marriage has truly changed me.

So truly, I don't necessarily encourage people to get married just because they're young & I was (am) too. I don't think there is a magic age or stage in life where it's perfect to say "I do." Sure there are times where it makes more sense financially or when it's easier to not be set in ones ways before joining life with another. But it is truly a matter of friendship, spiritual & emotional maturity, & humility. Realizing that it isn't about the wedding. Or the sex. Or the simple fact of companionship. It's a lifetime of love & sacrifice. And I'm so grateful God has revealed these things to this heart of mine.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Philippians 4:2

"Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." Colossians 3:18

'Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Ephesians 4:9-12

Covered by His grace alone, 
Kailee

Can I Get A Comment Card?

I have this new-found duty of being a human being... Comment cards. 

It started a few weeks ago at Chick-fil-A. Now having been around this business for over 12 years, I've grown to expect a lot from them. CFA is top knotch in so many ways, so naturally when they are less than wonderful, I'm utterly disappointed. Well, while at the Lancaster Chick-fil-A, Titus & I were served some less than wonderful chicken strips: super dark, dried up looking & not too appetizing... Titus was going to eat them but I insisted on him taking them back because they should know that they are serving less than wonderful things. Then I waltzed over to the condiments counter & grabbed a nice little comment card. On the card I explained to the operator what we had experienced so they would know for their future of continuing their wonderful service. 

Again, I was presented with the duty to fill out a comment card for a recent hotel stay where we experienced multiple issues with our room & then later at the circus when Time Warner Cable Arena presented poor crowd management & customer service. It seems like now any time I receive poor service or have a suggestion for a business, I'm all about a comment card. 

When it comes down to it, all a comment card really is is just a nice way to complain. Of course you can also do them to highlight a good experience, but more often than not, they're negative and you want someone to know. Well today... I just wish I had a comment card for life. One to send right up to God for the future plans of His orchestrating my life. Truly, I just want to COMPLAIN. Complain that it is way too cold and miserably rainy outside (what happened to my beloved 70* weather we had yesterday?!). Complain that I didn't get enough sleep. Complain that the sweet kids I'm watching are screaming & giving me a headache. Complain that my dear sweet husband is still not home, & we have no idea when he will be. Complain that our plans of buying a house have been halted for the time being. Is there a comment card large enough for all this? 

Well, what's interesting is that I have been studying about those Iraelites. And boy were they complainers. Reading their story in the wilderness sometimes I think- "Did you not just see what God did for you?! What's your deal complaining & whining about life in Egypt when He is taking you to the PROMISED LAND?!" I mean, really!! Quit the whining. Well, I'll admit that when I take a step back... I am acting a lot like them. Titus & I received a HUGE gift from God a few weeks ago when we found out Titus was being medically retired from the Air Force and expenses weren't going to be an issue. We also found out with his GI Bill, he doesn't have to work while in school. It goes a little further than I'll share online, but amazed doesn't even begin to cover how we felt about what God has done for us. We know we are so blessed & are truly grateful. But just 2 weeks later, here I sit in my "misery" and frustration complaining about our lives. Why can't we get this home loan to go through? Why do I have to continue to live in a rental when we want to own a home? Why did the stupid snow have to come and slow down my husband's out-processing so he could come home? Oh, what an Israelite I am. Getting that spiritual amnesia and forgetting all that God has done & provided. Forgetting His love and provision and perfect timing, never failing to take care of us in each of life's circumstances. What a mess I am. 

Today I am thankful for a God who allows me to make my "comments" to Him all I want. He listens. He cares what I have to say. Even when I am asking him "why?" at times. Even Jesus asked why. I almost posted a very complaint-ridden status on Facebook today (which I guarantee you would have gotten some likes- after all, I'm still without my husband for goodness sakes!), but something stopped me. [Insert Holy Spirit's nudge here] Instead, that gentle voice in my heart encouraged me to take a step back & to not give in to complaining like the Israelites. I was encouraged to find joy in this season of wilderness. I was encouraged by what I learned in  my study today about intimacy with God-- He longs for our closeness with Him during dry seasons. He wants us to press into Him when times are hard. His love for us is so much greater than any love we can imagine, even anything on this earth. 

And today, I am so grateful for that calming, redeeming, faithful, and ever-patient love. I am praying today that God would take away my complaining spirit and give me a spirit of passion for intimacy with Him; something that far outweighs anything or any circumstance on this whole earth. 

Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." 

Covered by His grace alone, 
Kailee

Spiritual Amnesia

Whew, has it been a crazy past few weeks! Was doing great with the blog at first but then life happened...

Titus found out he is being medically discharged from the Air Force & will be retiring soon. We are so grateful for God's provision in all of this situation & that we will be taken care of financially. Titus was home for a bit to start looking at houses & had some interviews. He's back in Mississippi out-processing & should be home in the next couple weeks. We're looking forward to being back together & hope to be buying a house soon after he gets back. After closing, it's off to WA to get all our belongings! Praying for God's perfect timing in finding the exact house that He wants us in. It's been a crazy time house hunting but we are having fun & praising God through it all! Never thought this is what 2014 would look like for us, but His ways are definitely above our own :)

God has given me quite a few opportunities to show extra grace over the past couple of weeks. It seemed pretty easy for a bit & then it all hit me at once with multiple circumstances God handed to me where grace was required. Can't say I have made 100% on all these tests, but I am definitely having LOTS of practice to get it right!!

On a side note, we had a fun snow day today! Couldn't believe we actually got some, but it was a fun day at home with the kiddos & doing some cleaning out for my mom. Always so much to do around here!

Unfortunately, the snow kept our Bible study from meeting this week but that hasn't stopped God from speaking! What a week it has been studying God's Word. In studying about the Israelites wanting in the desert, I've loved seeing the miracles God displayed in so many awesome ways. Sometimes I tend to forget the beauty of the Old Testament, but I am learning to love it-- it's such an awesome beginning to the incredible story of God & the salvation He provided hundreds of years later through His Son. Parting the Red Sea, providing manna from the sky, giving sweet water from bitter, undrinkable water, providing a bountiful oasis in the midst of desert... what an amazing God He is! But the interesting (and sad) part of it, is that as soon as times got hard, it's like the Israelites completely forgot what all God had done. Complaining took over and they didn't trust God when their stomachs were growling & their feet were tired. I want to just shake my head at the Israelites when they start to grumble and complain just moments after they witness another miracle. Did they not see what God just did?! Why would He fail them after all the times He's proved faithful?

But then I stop and think... How true is that of us today? Of myself? We may not want to admit it, but often when times get tough, we get that same spiritual amnesia. For some reason we humans, and yes even us Christians, tend to think God isn't going to come through. We doubt Him. We fail to trust. We're crippled by fear & struggle to get through on our own strength. What we have to remember is that God gives "in-between" times of waiting and patience from one miracle to the next. And we have to recognize these times & not loose sight of what He is teaching us through them. Not only are these times necessary for our spiritual growth, but they help us to live in daily awareness of God's presence in our lives. A grumbling spirit will only rob of what God is trying to teach you. Refocus your attention from what God may not be doing, and focus on what He has accomplished & is accomplishing.

Philippians 4:8 is a great reminder of how to refocus our thoughts (this is one I shared a few weeks ago on what kind of things I'm putting in my mind- it can apply to so much!):

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praise-worthy, let your mind dwell on these things."

I am praying this week that as God tests my mind and heart through the circumstances that arise, that I would be ever-mindful of all He has done in my life & that I won't forget all He can do. I pray I will not resort to a grumbling & complaining attitude but that I would remember His character & never forget His love & concern for me. Last week we were challenged in our study to take a risk with God. Well, I didn't seem to get that chance this week, so since the snow kept me away another week, I will be on the lookout for those opportunities to take a risk-- will keep everyone posted on what He does!

Covered by His grace alone,

Kailee

One of "those" mornings

Well, today was just one of "those" mornings.

You know, the ones where everything just seems to go wrong? I got up early to fix breakfast for the ladies in my Bible study only to find we had no eggs (Mind you, i had already been to the store twice for forgetting things for the breakfast- and my dad had decided at midnight to make muffins so... there went my eggs). After running to the store (and already running late), the oven catches on fire from the dish bubbling over. Crisis averted. I get the girls up & get ready only for my dish to be mushy & uncooked in the center as I'm walking out the door. I'm already running late, the kids are late for preschool, I'm sweating & have no make up on, trying to unload everything at the church (in the rain- OF COURSE) & then I unnecessarily snap at my husband when he calls to tell me good morning. Then I feel terrible. And to top it off, the church is on a "Daniel Fast" so pretty much no one eats my food anyway.

Whew. Yeah, well that was it. I'm thankful all mornings aren't like that. Not enough energy in my body to handle all the chaos without screaming. 

You know, I'll be one to admit that sometimes I feel like God has forgotten about me. Especially on mornings like this when I just wish He would intervene & let things go right for once. Yeah, I know He will never leave me, but sometimes it just feels like He has checked out. Like He's so busy up there taking care of all the "big stuff" & other people's problems that He doesn't really have time to be concerned with my chaotic morning. 

Well, I have news. This is a lie that satan tells us. I know that I've had a distorted view of God growing up. I haven't really seen Him as personal, sovereign, and gentle. My innate thoughts of him include one who is distant. Impersonal. Strong & to be feared. My own military-retired father was a disciplinarian who I feared, & I know my views of him have effected how I view God. While my God is certainly strong, & I should fear Him, He is certainly not distant. He tells us in His word that He is ever-present. He promises to never leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6). He has given us His Spirit so that no matter where we are or what we are doing, He is right there inside us, always caring, listening, & involved.

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:26-27

In my new Bible study (One in a Million by Priscilla Shirer), the basis of the study revolves around the question of why so many Christians just get by & don't ever fully experience God. Just like the children of Israel as thousands wandered through the desert in search of the Promised Land but only two (TWO!) actually saw it. Really, people of God-- why are we not experiencing Him to the absolute fullest? What's keeping us from the land of Caanan, that's flowing with milk & honey, where we experience God on a far deeper level than just a sermon were taking a few notes about on Sunday morning?

As people of God, we should not be satisfied with this common, complacent, lazy way of living. We have to seek out more! He has so, so, so much more for us if we just take the work of seeking it out. Living a godly lifestyle is so not easy. It's work. It's harder than a lifestyle of mediocrity, of sin. Sometimes a sinful lifestyle can look like so much more fun. And sometimes it is more fun! At least for a while. For me, God has revealed my entertainment choices are effecting my closeness with Him. This is one I have wrestled with for a while now. I don't watch a bunch of trash. I've given up all the violent stuff because it was giving me bad thoughts. The Bachelor really isn't that bad. They're not openly having sex & talking dirty on every episode. Desperate Housewives or Mistresses isn't too terrible. Yeah it has some language, affairs, and lots of lustful behavior but it could be worse. Those R rated movies I don't flinch in that drop the F-bomb at least 20 times or where the opening scene begins with an (unmarried) couple openly having sex on screen... It's just trash. I'm ashamed to say that I have indulged, as a believer in Jesus, in this kind of entertainment. And I've liked it. The question arrises in m mind- "if Jesus were sitting here with me, would I watch this?" Well, of course not! I would never have my Lord watch these sinful & worldly practices on my television.

Ha. Like I can hide from him.

Every time I indulge in a funny romantic primetime episode, He sits with me. He knows how much I loved Bridesmaids or We are the Millers. And I know it doesn't please Him. And the more I ignore the Holy Spirit's prompting in my heart, the softer His voice will get until I don't even hear it at all. And that is definitely a place I never want to be.

Well, all this comes down to something I have given up for the first time in YEARS (yeah, it's been a while). The Bachelor. So here's the deal- during previous seasons, episodes were available the day after airing for free online. My parents don't have cable, so no big deal. Well after I started this study, I noticed that the episodes online were not available until a WEEK later. What?! So I would always be behind! Not good. I did my study on Sunday & had a long talk with God about giving this up, although I still hadn't made a commitment (after all, there were worse things I could watch & it's not like it's that bad). Well, Monday night I decide I'll just take a peek at that first episode that is (finally) available. Guess what- it's not! Still another day before it's "unlocked." Ok God, I got it. Quit with the addiction & do something better with those 2 hours on Monday nights. Because really, how often do I fail to spend time with The Lord  because I'm "too tired" or don't pray because my mind is on other things...  Obviously (thanks, God), this practice is hindering me from further experiencing a deeper, more passionate relationship with Him. And I don't know about you, but I want to experience absolutely every single amazing blessing He has in store for me. Missing out on something amazing because of a stupid tv show... now that is ridiculous.

The verse I learned many, many years ago in Bible Drill comes to mind. Philippians 4:8 says:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Well, I guess The Bachelor really doesn't qualify on that list, now does it. I'll close with this scripture from Ephesians 4:


...you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
Verses 17-24

Wow. We can be righteous and holy when we put away our old practices & are aware of the things we have been taught week in and week out in church. We Christians really have to stop living so complacently. The Bible says we are to actually put into practice what we have learned. And the rewards in the Promised Land will truly be great. 

Covered by His grace alone,
Kailee