As we all set in the airport in Atlanta, waiting for our international flight, my eyes scanned the group sitting before me. I say "my" team… what I really mean is God's team- that He entrusted us to lead to another country to go love on 40 of the most incredible children I've ever met. You see, I never thought I would get to this point. Just a short 5 weeks before, I gripped my iPhone through burning tears streaming down my face- another team member had dropped out moments before I was to purchase the *very expensive* international flight reservations. Number 7. Our team that once stood at 18 folks was down to a slim 11. Only 2 of my original members now sat on that list. My heart was broken. I was angry, defeated, hurt, and at a loss- what was I supposed to do? It was at that moment that I really considered calling it all off. Forget the hours upon hours of fundraising. Forget the car washes, bake sales, donation drives, and making deliveries. Forget the people that faithfully gave with the heart to give these children some hope & encouragement. Forget the tug on mine & Titus' hearts to lead a team. Just forget it all…
Through tears I began calling the 9 team members still left on my list. With each phone call I heard the words, "I'm in this. We have to go. We can't cancel the trip." After hanging up with one of my very dearest friends who was in this with me from day one, Titus & I took some time in prayer & made the decision- we are going to do this. Even without the 15 minimum members we're supposed to have. Even with a group consisting of most that had never been on a mission trip before. Even with doubts, fears, and frustrations. "We can't do much," I thought. But somehow I had to trust God through that…
And through all of this, I really think the biggest thing the Lord taught me through it all was trust. And it wasn't even something I expected to learn. You see, I really prefer to be in control. I wouldn't say I'm super controlling in nature, but I am a planner, and I really like to know what's going on- all the time. You know what's funny is, even from the beginning- I was never in control. Titus & I began our Peru team planning with the mindset of handpicking a super strong team: military guys, survival junkies, outdoor lovers, strong married couples, close friends, construction workers… it was the perfect team, right? We could do all the things we need to in Peru- knock out a ton of construction, be a light by showing what godly marriages look like, have people that thrive in the environment. Well, as you can see, that's not quite what happened. Nearly every person on "our team" couldn't come for one reason or another. And that control was slowly slipping through my finger. I wrestled with God. I was pretty stubborn about asking random acquaintances to join me. Because I'm protective of the boys, I didn't want people that weren't going to understand the impact their actions- positive or negative- would make on these children, many abandoned with distorted views of love, God, & relationships. Through the humbling, I learned to trust. Learned to trust that even from the beginning, God had handpicked each team member that would go on that trip. I learned to trust that it wasn't my doings or my choice to have specific people on this trip. It was God's & God's alone.
With time running out to fundraise, I poured my heart & soul into fundraising so people could go (there's that control mindset again). "If I could get everyone their money," I thought, "then it will all work out & we can go." Guess what? Wrong again. While we did have some really successful fundraisers, all the money just wasn't there. Having 3 team members join mere weeks before our departure, the account was more than a little lacking. My mom was kind enough to let me charge tickets on her credit card so we could make reservations, but I had no idea what we were going to do come time to pay the bill. But God's still small voice (boy, am I glad He doesn't give up on my stubbornness…) whispered to my heart, "Just trust me, I've got this." And He did. When I fully relinquished that control to Him, He showed up in ways I could have never imagined. It wasn't until after the trip that I would see our account was perfectly balanced, down to the last dollar, but through it all, I was able to surrender to His ultimate control in the situation, and boy, was I blessed by it.
“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence." Jeremiah 17:7
I said before that life in Peru didn't really encompass me & who I was. Well, that's quite true. But I will say that I have never had a more wonderful, comfortable, Spirit-filled trip than this one. I have been to Peru 5 times prior, & have never felt like I did on this one. Something was just… different. I really don't know how to explain it. Maybe it was the Spirit of God walking right alongside me as I relinquished control & fully trusted in His ultimate will. It was like a got just a small glimpse of what Heaven is like-- walking hand in hand with Him, loving the least of these & never wanting to leave.
Truthfully, I have spent months trying to blog about my trip and for some reason I just couldn't. It's like I just can't explain exactly how God worked. It's like no one will really understand what it is that makes me love that place like I do unless they've been there. It's like I can say all these words, but they really don't mean a lot in comparison to this everyday American life we live, one of materialism, busyness, complete dependance on money & status, having very little "use" for God. It's almost frustrating to try because I know I can't do it justice. But if I can say anything that may be understandable, it's that the Lord truly did a work in me. My life has been forever changed by the 40 precious, dark-haired, brown-eyed "angels with dirty faces" who I love more than I could ever have imagined. It's only by His grace alone that I am so drawn to this people group, with ones whose language I cannot even understand, to love and invest in ways I never dreamed possible. And wow, it is truly exhilarating to be completely out of my comfort zone & right in the center of His will-- trusting it wherever it takes me.
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2
Covered by His grace alone,
kb
Through tears I began calling the 9 team members still left on my list. With each phone call I heard the words, "I'm in this. We have to go. We can't cancel the trip." After hanging up with one of my very dearest friends who was in this with me from day one, Titus & I took some time in prayer & made the decision- we are going to do this. Even without the 15 minimum members we're supposed to have. Even with a group consisting of most that had never been on a mission trip before. Even with doubts, fears, and frustrations. "We can't do much," I thought. But somehow I had to trust God through that…
And through all of this, I really think the biggest thing the Lord taught me through it all was trust. And it wasn't even something I expected to learn. You see, I really prefer to be in control. I wouldn't say I'm super controlling in nature, but I am a planner, and I really like to know what's going on- all the time. You know what's funny is, even from the beginning- I was never in control. Titus & I began our Peru team planning with the mindset of handpicking a super strong team: military guys, survival junkies, outdoor lovers, strong married couples, close friends, construction workers… it was the perfect team, right? We could do all the things we need to in Peru- knock out a ton of construction, be a light by showing what godly marriages look like, have people that thrive in the environment. Well, as you can see, that's not quite what happened. Nearly every person on "our team" couldn't come for one reason or another. And that control was slowly slipping through my finger. I wrestled with God. I was pretty stubborn about asking random acquaintances to join me. Because I'm protective of the boys, I didn't want people that weren't going to understand the impact their actions- positive or negative- would make on these children, many abandoned with distorted views of love, God, & relationships. Through the humbling, I learned to trust. Learned to trust that even from the beginning, God had handpicked each team member that would go on that trip. I learned to trust that it wasn't my doings or my choice to have specific people on this trip. It was God's & God's alone.
With time running out to fundraise, I poured my heart & soul into fundraising so people could go (there's that control mindset again). "If I could get everyone their money," I thought, "then it will all work out & we can go." Guess what? Wrong again. While we did have some really successful fundraisers, all the money just wasn't there. Having 3 team members join mere weeks before our departure, the account was more than a little lacking. My mom was kind enough to let me charge tickets on her credit card so we could make reservations, but I had no idea what we were going to do come time to pay the bill. But God's still small voice (boy, am I glad He doesn't give up on my stubbornness…) whispered to my heart, "Just trust me, I've got this." And He did. When I fully relinquished that control to Him, He showed up in ways I could have never imagined. It wasn't until after the trip that I would see our account was perfectly balanced, down to the last dollar, but through it all, I was able to surrender to His ultimate control in the situation, and boy, was I blessed by it.
“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence." Jeremiah 17:7
I said before that life in Peru didn't really encompass me & who I was. Well, that's quite true. But I will say that I have never had a more wonderful, comfortable, Spirit-filled trip than this one. I have been to Peru 5 times prior, & have never felt like I did on this one. Something was just… different. I really don't know how to explain it. Maybe it was the Spirit of God walking right alongside me as I relinquished control & fully trusted in His ultimate will. It was like a got just a small glimpse of what Heaven is like-- walking hand in hand with Him, loving the least of these & never wanting to leave.
Truthfully, I have spent months trying to blog about my trip and for some reason I just couldn't. It's like I just can't explain exactly how God worked. It's like no one will really understand what it is that makes me love that place like I do unless they've been there. It's like I can say all these words, but they really don't mean a lot in comparison to this everyday American life we live, one of materialism, busyness, complete dependance on money & status, having very little "use" for God. It's almost frustrating to try because I know I can't do it justice. But if I can say anything that may be understandable, it's that the Lord truly did a work in me. My life has been forever changed by the 40 precious, dark-haired, brown-eyed "angels with dirty faces" who I love more than I could ever have imagined. It's only by His grace alone that I am so drawn to this people group, with ones whose language I cannot even understand, to love and invest in ways I never dreamed possible. And wow, it is truly exhilarating to be completely out of my comfort zone & right in the center of His will-- trusting it wherever it takes me.
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2
Covered by His grace alone,
kb
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