Covered by His Grace Alone: So… how was your trip?

There’s nothing that gets me quite like it does.

The smell of heat that you can feel hit you. The sound of monkeys & birds screeching in the trees. The feeling of the mysteries of the jungle. The calm before a rain that is preceded by a giant soccer game in the mud. The shock of the river as you jump in for a bath. The feeling of a surprise hug. The sound of a giggle at dinner time. The warmth of squeeze before bed. The quiet Spanish words whispering in my ear. A look of longing in those great big brown eyes.

I wish you could see it, taste it, and feel it like I do.

Those eyes. Oh, those brown eyes. They dance with longing and excitement. Behind them lies hurt, abandonment, and fear. Stories we cannot even fathom. But even with that…oh, so much love. I can’t even contain it. I don’t know all their stories. But I see so much passion and life within each of their hearts.

Maybe I can paint a small picture…

The precious giggle of Job Never as he blows bubbles in the hammock. The incredible footwork of Anthony as he dances the night away. The head of Germán on my shoulder. A hug from Luis that I never want to leave. The mischievous grin of Sebastian as hides my water bottle from me once again. The sound of my name being called out with that sweet Spanish accent. The silly jokes, calling me a fiery cat from Frank. Holding the hand of Luis Mansur as we walk to dinner. The conversation I have with Hox. The vision of watching him teach a child how to swim. Seeing Alexander & Harold grow into amazing young men. Oh, that smile that lights up a room in Martin. The words of Jeíson calling me “mama.”

…hearing them sing praises to Jesus as we gather for meal time. The same Jesus who is with me here in my luxurious American life. The same Jesus who is and was. The one who holds them each in his hand.

Sitting in my over indulgent, American, heated/cooled, furnished, comfortable apartment, all these sights, sounds & emotions flood my mind. I can’t quite wrap my head around it. I can’t quite verbalize it. But it’s so real & so vivid that my heart aches at the picture of my departure. Of leaving once again. Being the one to let go… it’s the hardest thing I think I ever have had to do.

I almost hate it when people ask “How was your trip?” I know they mean well. And they very well may really like to know. But it’s like I can’t really tell them. I can’t truly explain what it is that I experience each time in the jungle. It’s like it’s never enough. I come home with feelings of guilt & sadness over missed opportunity. I’m disappointed in myself for not loving harder, giving more, and living as selflessly as I could have. I was hot, I was tired, I was itching from mosquito bites. The excuses seem so insignificant to the love I know I should have & could have shown them more deeply. I find my time there in the jungle feeling shorter & shorter as it gets harder & harder to leave.

I guess it’s safe to say that these boys have changed my life. And I know they have changed the lives of many others. I feel like Puerto Alegría (“Port Joy” in Spanish) is a bit of what heaven will be like (although there won’t be any nasty mosquitoes to distract us in the Kingdom!). A place where no one is distracted by the things of the world, sorrow, busyness or sadness. But a place of pure love. Deep relationships. Concern for one another. And hugs where you never have to let go.

I think my sweet husband tells one of our stories better than I do… so here’s a little blurb from him to give a glimpse:

(sent to our team after returning home)

Some of you may be finding it difficult to adjust to being home after what I call an "emotional shock" that the boys tend to leave embedded in our hearts, I know I am. I actually had a really hard time returning to the business world today; my mind just will not stop. It's actually the most difficult time I have ever experienced returning home.

When I woke up the morning of leaving the home, I went to fill up my water and found sleepy-eyed Luis there waiting for me, at 4am. After getting my water, he wrapped his arms around me, whispered good morning, and then followed me to my room to see Kailee. While everyone was on the boat, Kailee and I found him again near the soccer field. Kailee called out to him, and he came over to give us our last hug before we departed. As we all hugged one another, none of us wanted to let go. In fact, Luis actually wouldn't let go, I kissed his head, told Kailee we had to go and we said goodbye. As we were sitting on the boat, with both of our hearts breaking, she looked at me and told me how bad it hurt to be the one to let go first, to have to be the one to walk away. Today I am saddened by this vision of our departure, and it breaks my heart to know that Luis and the rest of the boys are there waiting for love and affection to just come and go.

So if today you are struggling, know that you’re not alone, and we are praying for all of you. It is such a blessing to be able to feel love like this, to be able to give love like this and to be able to long for love like this. This love is the love of our Heavenly Father, so hold on to it and cherish it.

As hard as it is to leave, to let go, to have to say goodbye, I can say that I am truly grateful. Grateful to have experienced this kind of love. To have brothers and sons in Peru that have changed my life forever. Grateful to have just a glimpse of how much love our Heavenly Father has for us & the longing that He feels for our affection. I am humbled & unworthy to be the recipient of this type of love.

So how was my trip? Words cannot describe it. My mind cannot define what took place in the jungle over the past 9 days. My heart is full yet I cannot truly verbalize what it means to me. But I can say that we serve an amazing God. One who never lets us go. Who never leaves or abandons us. And one who has given us the capacity & blessing of experiencing love for one another.

This love stretches far across the ocean. Far from our American lives of excess, luxury, and gluttony. Through dusty, motorcycle filled streets. Past overcrowded buses & cities. Miles down an Amazon river. Within the trees of the jungle. Nestled in some simple screened-in rooms.

This love is held in the eyes of 45 incredible Peruvian children.

My favorite place to be… Hanging out on the porch with these guys.

My Luis who I have watched grow from a stubborn 5 year old to an awesome kid. He woke up at 4am after only 4 hours of sleep to give us a hug before we departed.

Truly an awesome thing to see my brother love the jungle & these children so much. As I saw tears in his eyes on the last night in Peru, I felt so grateful to see his passion in serving alongside me.

Oh & this is Anthony… His dancing is like nothing you've ever seen.

My support system- so grateful for the blessing of my best friend & my husband. I feel as if our bond grows stronger by our passion for this place.

Serving alongside my husband is truly an incredible experience. Seeing his sold out passion on this trip makes me feel even more blessed to be called his wife.

Job Never… the child who never stops smiling, who finds so much joy in life. He has the best disposition & seems to always be content in whatever he is doing.