I like plans. Plans are good. Plans make me happy. I'm good at planning. I thrive on planning. Shoot, I'd love a career in it. Nothing excites me more than to plan a vacation or event.
I love plans.
Our God is a God of order, yes. But sometimes (oftentimes, I'm finding), His plans are so so much different than ours. They don't always seem logically in our little human minds. They don't even seem like plans sometimes. They seem like chaos. Confusion. Waiting. And well, God & I have been having some talks about plans lately.
So, obviously I'm a planner. God knows that. It's how I was wired, and I really like that He made me that way. It's always been a strong point, and it comes in very good use at times. Plans are not a bad thing. They're actually very good. But during this season of my life, it's truly been impossible to have a plan. I mean really, with all this Air Force stuff we've been going through with Titus' separation, it's impossible to know from one day to the next what life will hold. When Titus was granted a medical retirement, I thought life outside the military would be so much different as far as planning and knowing our next steps and being able to act on them, rather than waiting on the military to make up their mind. But it's funny- because that whole planning thing hasn't been working out real well...
God has shaken us. He has turned our world upside down- more than once. God hasn't really been allowing us to have a plan. Things have been uncertain about how long we will live here, job opportunities have been hazy, future school plans have been unknown. It has been next to impossible to make a plan-- and this is not how I operate!!! I've felt frustration, anger, & bad attitudes creep in. I know that I've been a very nice wife because my plans have been very thwarted, & that's something I'm not used to. And I do not like it. So like a little 5 year old, I pout & fuss & stomp my feet. This is NOT my way.
So, I'm in the middle of the study Power of a Praying Wife (by Stormie Omartian) right now with my women's group. What's funny is that I'm supposed to be praying all these things for my husband, about his walk with the Lord, his choices, his career-- which are all great, but they actually are really applicable prayers that I truly need to be praying for myself. And guess what last week's lesson was on? Praying for your husband's attitude. And what I really needed to put in check was my own. God & I have had a long talk about my attitude & the negative thoughts plaguing my mind. It's been a huge struggle to not get my way & to have my plans ripped out from underneath me- more than once. But I will say that God has truly been faithful. I have really been working on my attitude in this area, focusing on daily (sometimes hourly…) surrender to Him so that I can be a positive, uplifting, and encouraging part of my husband's day. Because really, who wants to be around someone who is grumpy & rude all the time? I don't even want to be around myself! But I am working to change that, & God is growing me, one day at a time. He's breaking me from this pattern so I can learn trust. Faith. Contentment. He's putting me in the "Mary" mindset rather than the "Martha" one. He wants to talk to me, have me at His feet rather than have me running around executing my plan & missing out on what He is teaching my stubborn, selfish heart. When my plans are changed, when I don't get my way, it makes me think of the words of Isaiah in chapter 55, verses 8-9:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
It's true that His ways are not ours. I am seeing that every day. But His ways are better than ours. They're so much higher. So much greater. So much more than we could ever imagine. And He is really teaching me to have faith in that. After all, He promises…
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
-Jeremiah 29:11
Trusting in that plan makes me realize that sometimes planning isn't in His plan. Sometimes we just have to have faith & trust. Faith that God's plan is bigger than ours. And trust that He won't ever let us down. That His Will will always prevail. And all that planning may cause us to miss out on what He truly wants to teach us. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to miss out on that.
Wow, I really am a mess sometimes… But I sure am glad that I am covered by HIS grace alone.
Until next time,
Kailee
"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."
-Proverbs 19:21
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight."
-Proverbs 3:5-6
