I Married Young.

With all these new articles circulating online about young marriage in a positive light rather than the usual negative, I felt the nudge to write my own thoughts on it. 

Well, here it is.

I was married at the young age of 20 & just celebrated my first anniversary at the end of 2013. Now don't get me wrong- I love marriage. Love it. It's seriously one of the very best things that has ever happened to me on this earth. But I often start to cringe when I hear girls say to me "oh, I'm so glad you love marriage because everyone is against us getting married young." 

Here's the deal- it's not an age thing. 

Now, I think it's safe to say I'm a little ahead of my time in age. Being the oldest of 6 children, I feel like I grew up pretty quickly. I was a little mother to my 2 younger brothers. I took my adopted sister in as my own, & I'm sure she thought I was her mommy. Thanks to some home-schooling, I graduated at the age of 16 & started college that fall. And at the age of 17, I met the man that I would marry just a few years later. 

My story isn't like most people's my age. Most people who are just starting off in college don't also have their own apartment that they pay for or their own car that they paid in full from summers of babysitting. Not to boast, but I was pretty self sufficient, you could say. Therefore, I would say most young people my age were not at the same stage of life as I was when I got married. And that's completely ok. It's just that I was different. I had already been faced with a lot of things financially, relationally & spiritually that may not have even crossed their minds yet at the age of 20. So goes my thoughts... 

Marriage is a BIG DEAL. Like it's huge. I'm really and truly saddened when I see girls get engaged just as a social status or to plan their Pinterest perfect wedding. God really humbled me by allowing me to pay for my own wedding because I learned a vastly important lesson- it is SO MUCH MORE than one day. It's about a life time. Sure you want to celebrate with those you love & have your dream wedding to tell your kids about & to experience one day where you're a princess but hey, listen up- that wedding is so, so SO small in the grand scheme of the rest of your life. 

It's kinda like sex. As a Christian couple who chose to save sex for the wedding night, you dream up all this stuff in your head about what it'll be like. You get excited thinking about intimacy, & it can often consume your thoughts because you love the other person so much that you just can't wait to give yourself to them. You lay awake at night thinking about it. But after you get married... It's funny how little of your marriage that involves sex. Don't get me wrong- of course sex is a hugely important gift & blessing that shouldn't be neglected but seriously people, how much sex can you really have? When it's all said & done, how many hours are left in the day?! It's a lot. So here comes the big part- friendship. 

Marriage isn't just about loving to have sex with someone. It's also not just solely about love (although it wouldn't be possible without it). It's not just about commitment. It's also about friendship. And I see SO many couples go wrong here at my age & beyond. It's funny because usually when you start out a relationship with the opposite sex, it begins with friendship. Whether it immediately becomes romantic or it does overtime, friendship should always be at the roots. But it gets lost. We forget to be friends. We get so caught up in dating, life, & future plans that somehow that vastly important detail gets left out. Then we're engaged & all we're talking about is the wedding or where we're going to live or what careers we will pursue. And then, even before you hit 30, you realize you barely even know what this person sitting across from you likes. Do I really know what makes them smile? Do I conciously make the effort to not do things that drive them up the wall? 

Friendship. Guys, it's so important. At any age- at every age. Actually liking the person your with is huge. I used to laugh at Titus when he would tell me he likes me. Well, duh honey, you married me. But he would say, "No, I really like you. I like the person we are. I like being friends with you." I know I am Titus' best friend. I'm the one he calls when he's excited. Or disappointed. I'm the one he vents to when he's angry. I'm the one he wants to spend time with almost all the time. The one he prefers to sit beside. The one he feels safe with. The one he trusts with all his secrets. 

I am so grateful that we share this blessing of friendship early in our marriage. I recently read an article by Mark Drischoll where he talked about his biggest mistake in his first 10 years of marriage was not truly being friends with his wife. He learned to be but they spent a long time being together but not truly enjoying the blessing & joy of being friends too. 

So no matter your age, friendship is a vastly important martial key. Not just sex or a wedding or that stupid little Facebook relationship status symbol that may as well light up & start pouring out confetti when you click "engaged." I know I'm no expert in my little 365+ days of marriage, but I think some would agree with me.

Another reason I cringe when young marriage is glorified is because truly, they just  have no idea what marriage really means. They are just naive. And I'm not downing them because they are but they really have no idea what it means to completely love a person. To be humble. To be totally selfless. To do everything with someone. Forever. But I can't really say I did either. This is true of both young couples & ones that get married later in life. Our selfish human nature doesn't want to give up our own desires & well-being over that of another- no matter how much we think we love them. 

You know, in my first year of marriage I learned more about myself than I ever really wanted to know. The true colors came out. I did things and said things that I never would have seen myself doing or saying. And not all of them were good things. Some of them I was really ashamed of. The way I have overreacted, blown up, responded in frustration have not been pretty. But I will say this- never before in my life have I ever wanted to become a better, more humble, godly, & patient woman than in my marriage. Being with a man who gives me so much more grace than I deserve, who treats me like a princess when I act like a brat, who would give me the world & completely spoils me & puts me on a pedestal, I have been more humbled than ever before. In all of my mess, God has given me the most tremendous blessing in a God-fearing, honest & loving man & all I want to do is be better. I want to love him better. Serve him better. Forgive him better. Encourage him better. I want to be the absolute best wife & woman I can be for my husband. And that's why marriage has truly changed me.

So truly, I don't necessarily encourage people to get married just because they're young & I was (am) too. I don't think there is a magic age or stage in life where it's perfect to say "I do." Sure there are times where it makes more sense financially or when it's easier to not be set in ones ways before joining life with another. But it is truly a matter of friendship, spiritual & emotional maturity, & humility. Realizing that it isn't about the wedding. Or the sex. Or the simple fact of companionship. It's a lifetime of love & sacrifice. And I'm so grateful God has revealed these things to this heart of mine.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Philippians 4:2

"Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." Colossians 3:18

'Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Ephesians 4:9-12

Covered by His grace alone, 
Kailee

Can I Get A Comment Card?

I have this new-found duty of being a human being... Comment cards. 

It started a few weeks ago at Chick-fil-A. Now having been around this business for over 12 years, I've grown to expect a lot from them. CFA is top knotch in so many ways, so naturally when they are less than wonderful, I'm utterly disappointed. Well, while at the Lancaster Chick-fil-A, Titus & I were served some less than wonderful chicken strips: super dark, dried up looking & not too appetizing... Titus was going to eat them but I insisted on him taking them back because they should know that they are serving less than wonderful things. Then I waltzed over to the condiments counter & grabbed a nice little comment card. On the card I explained to the operator what we had experienced so they would know for their future of continuing their wonderful service. 

Again, I was presented with the duty to fill out a comment card for a recent hotel stay where we experienced multiple issues with our room & then later at the circus when Time Warner Cable Arena presented poor crowd management & customer service. It seems like now any time I receive poor service or have a suggestion for a business, I'm all about a comment card. 

When it comes down to it, all a comment card really is is just a nice way to complain. Of course you can also do them to highlight a good experience, but more often than not, they're negative and you want someone to know. Well today... I just wish I had a comment card for life. One to send right up to God for the future plans of His orchestrating my life. Truly, I just want to COMPLAIN. Complain that it is way too cold and miserably rainy outside (what happened to my beloved 70* weather we had yesterday?!). Complain that I didn't get enough sleep. Complain that the sweet kids I'm watching are screaming & giving me a headache. Complain that my dear sweet husband is still not home, & we have no idea when he will be. Complain that our plans of buying a house have been halted for the time being. Is there a comment card large enough for all this? 

Well, what's interesting is that I have been studying about those Iraelites. And boy were they complainers. Reading their story in the wilderness sometimes I think- "Did you not just see what God did for you?! What's your deal complaining & whining about life in Egypt when He is taking you to the PROMISED LAND?!" I mean, really!! Quit the whining. Well, I'll admit that when I take a step back... I am acting a lot like them. Titus & I received a HUGE gift from God a few weeks ago when we found out Titus was being medically retired from the Air Force and expenses weren't going to be an issue. We also found out with his GI Bill, he doesn't have to work while in school. It goes a little further than I'll share online, but amazed doesn't even begin to cover how we felt about what God has done for us. We know we are so blessed & are truly grateful. But just 2 weeks later, here I sit in my "misery" and frustration complaining about our lives. Why can't we get this home loan to go through? Why do I have to continue to live in a rental when we want to own a home? Why did the stupid snow have to come and slow down my husband's out-processing so he could come home? Oh, what an Israelite I am. Getting that spiritual amnesia and forgetting all that God has done & provided. Forgetting His love and provision and perfect timing, never failing to take care of us in each of life's circumstances. What a mess I am. 

Today I am thankful for a God who allows me to make my "comments" to Him all I want. He listens. He cares what I have to say. Even when I am asking him "why?" at times. Even Jesus asked why. I almost posted a very complaint-ridden status on Facebook today (which I guarantee you would have gotten some likes- after all, I'm still without my husband for goodness sakes!), but something stopped me. [Insert Holy Spirit's nudge here] Instead, that gentle voice in my heart encouraged me to take a step back & to not give in to complaining like the Israelites. I was encouraged to find joy in this season of wilderness. I was encouraged by what I learned in  my study today about intimacy with God-- He longs for our closeness with Him during dry seasons. He wants us to press into Him when times are hard. His love for us is so much greater than any love we can imagine, even anything on this earth. 

And today, I am so grateful for that calming, redeeming, faithful, and ever-patient love. I am praying today that God would take away my complaining spirit and give me a spirit of passion for intimacy with Him; something that far outweighs anything or any circumstance on this whole earth. 

Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." 

Covered by His grace alone, 
Kailee