“However motherhood comes to you, it’s a miracle.” – Valerie Harper

My atypical motherhood journey has come with challenges many families don't face: trauma, history, past experiences, learned behavior, & emotional baggage that come with the territory of adoption- NO MATTER the age. As my memories from 6 years ago pop up when my boys first visited the U.S. for Christmas hosting (and we had JUST gotten Mae's referral...), I had no idea then what a journey I was about to be on.

While I always want to protect the stories & histories of my children (for THEM to share if/when they are ready), I do consider it a huge part of my story what they've taught me through the journey of adoption.

The last 6 years have been HARD. They have been years of so much growth, pressing, molding, breaking, shaping. I wonder every day how I am going to mess up my kids by my reactions, career decisions, and emotional responses. I beg God every day for His grace to cover all those places where my own sinfulness gets in the way. But amidst every doubt & failure, I see these faces as a fulfillment of God's goodness in the brokenness. His miracles in the mundane. His power to make beauty from ashes.

I praise God for these miracles that drive me to my whits end. These miracles who exhaust my brain. Who bring me laughter. Who love me at my worst. Who tell me I'm "the best cooker" even when I just made boxed mac & cheese. It is such a gift and such a journey to be Mama- especially an adoptive one who doesn't carry the same bond of the womb & infancy.

My {maybe unpopular} story is that the Lord impressed it upon our hearts to adopt rather than have children biologically. Being faced so deeply with the orphan crisis, God placed adoption at the forefront of beginning a family. He continues to write this story, even on the really hard days, when I have to make difficult parenting choices that keep me up at 2am. But I am especially grateful for the reminder of the hand-picked miracles He has placed under my roof, the ones that made me a mom, and the miraculous journey of {atypical} motherhood

What I Learned During Quarantine

 Written on 5/21/20 

When the world shut down- 2020

Enjoy the small things- like scented soap & parking lot picnics

Teach your kids to wash their own plates

outside time before school is a must

Wild flowers are the perfect piece of decor

Bird watching is a highlight of the day

Hug your friends tighter

Talk to your kids (marriage/adoption)

A car date is just as fun and you don't have to tip

Springtime poultry is adorable

Always make birthdays special

Sing with the kids

Family worship is important

Don't give up meeting together (small group)

Let everyone see you without make up

Teach your kids scripture (spiritual influence of parents)

Beauty of what is childhood- the magnolia tree

Relish in the beauty of a clean house (mama look how good my bed looks! Did that lady clean everything ? That was so nice of her )

Stay home

Prepare your heart for easter

Sleep in & enjoy ANY DAY without an alarm

Enjoy the absence of “hurry”

Lessons from the Bee Boy

I had one of the coolest encounters with God tonight through one of his precious sons.

Joseph

Joseph is who we call "The Bee Boy" at our house. He actually holds a special place in my heart. He was one of the teenagers that worked with me when I was managing at Chick-fil-A. He's a homeschooler & maybe a little misunderstood, but really one of the sweetest kids ever. He was always telling me about his bees that he keeps & was so passionate about them.

I got a crowdfunding email from him this week about a fundraiser he was doing for a mission in Haiti with his bees. I was interested in hearing more & he called me to share his story. He tells it better than me, so I'm putting it below (y'all this is GOOD stuff- mind you, this is a 17 year old boy):

As of last Sunday, the Lord called me to Haiti to help them learn how to take care of Honey bees. Let me tell you the whole story: It all began on Thursday afternoon when I was at my model UN meeting and a girl spoke on the problems in Haiti. Before this I knew nothing about Haiti, but now my heart ached for them. So for days I was constantly thinking about Haiti. Then Sunday came. On Sunday I entered our little church and up on the wall was the word HAITI. I thought in my head, "how funny is it that the LORD has brought it up again." Then a missionary took the stage. He talked about how the Lord was using ordinary people like me to help change the lives of the people of Haiti. So I prayed and asked God how can I help, and as clear as day I felt him say, “Tell the missionary you are a beekeeper.” So I told the Lord, “no he doesn’t need a beekeeper, I will tell him I am a farmer”. And God repeated His first statement. So I went up to him and shook his hand and said, “Hello I am a beekeeper.” And then his hands started to shake, and he shouted “The Lord sent me a beekeeper!” He then explained how they planted a garden, but did not have any fruit. So a lady told him they needed bees, so he prayed for bees, and they came. But now he has a problem, because he has two big hives one in a tree the other in a tire, but he doesn’t know how to care for them, no one does, so he prayed for a beekeeper. When he told me this I was amazed, since I had always wanted to use beekeeping for God, but I didn’t know how. So I accepted his offer to go with him to Haiti and teach them how to take care of bees. I told him I am not the best beekeeper around here, but he told me he knows I am the one God has chosen to send. Since then the Lord has confirmed His will countless times, in ways that are to crazy to explain and in ways so simple it makes me smile.  –Joseph DeMarzo

"This is an amazing story!" I told him. "Oh, but it gets better!" he said. He went on to share with me about when he decided to be obedient, God brought the first $800 in in one day's time. He said he was praying about who to ask for help to get there. God told him to ask his neighbor, but his wife had just committed suicide & he did not think it was wise to ask someone who was hurting so much for financial help. But he kept hearing that still small voice. When he stepped out of his front door, his neighbor was in the yard. He shared his story with him & the man said, "But aren't you afraid to die? You will probably die over there in Haiti." Joseph told me that God gave him the next words, because he didn't know how to respond.

"Well, I'm not afraid to die because I know that I would go to heaven."

The next part of the story brought me to tears.

"Next, that man buried his face in his hands & fell to the ground in tears." 

He went on to share that the man said that Joseph's assurance of his salvation changed him. It was exactly what he needed to hear that day. He was changed by the obedience of a 17 year old boy. He went & got all the money out of his wallet and gave it to Joseph, telling him that he wanted to support what he was doing in whatever way he could.

Blinking back tears as chills ran down my spine, I truly felt the presence of the Lord in that moment driving down the road. Joseph was so obedient, so full of faith, and so in tune to the Spirit. And God used him.

As I hung up the phone, I thought of all the ways that I haven't been obedient. When I haven't heeded to God's word, or even been still enough to listen. I've ignored the Spirit's nudge, I had lacked faith, and I haven't been obedient.

God used Joseph to bring this truth straight to my core.

I don't know if anyone reading this feels led, but please consider helping sweet Joseph get to Haiti. He is going for 2 weeks at the beginning of October to share with the people how to care for these bees. And let me tell you- he is the expert, even if he doesn't admit it. He's spent so much time studying, researching, and taking care of his own bees. He even prays for them. I'm SO excited to see the Lord working in his life & I can't wait to hear what God does while he is overseas.

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Please keep him in your prayers! 

If anything, I believe this story has something that we can all learn something from.

In what ways are we heeding to the voice of God? 

Are we being FULLY obedient to Him? 

I actually have another AMAZING story about another AWESOME 17 year old boy (is this a theme?! I pray so!!), but I will save that for a later post so I can brag on him a little more. 

Truthfully, my faith has been wavering lately. I have really been struggling with some feelings of questioning God's plans with our adoption. I haven't wanted to tell anyone because I've been ashamed & very fearful... will share this more in my next post.

Until then, I'm ever covered in His grace alone,

Kailee Bowen

Nunca Cambies.

Never change. 

I've seen these children grow. I've watched them mature. I've been their sister, their mom, their friend. 

Every trip is so different. They change so much. They grow & become young men so quickly. One trip they think I'm the greatest person on the planet & the next, they've moved on & don't open up to me. Each trip I have some fear of the changes going on in their lives & hearts. I know time can heal but it can also hurt, as these children can put up walls and grow hardened and calloused as they try to forget the wounds of their past. 

My heart is full of love, pride, and sadness, all at once. Every time I see their faces in my mind, I feel weak. These boys are my family. They are my constant reminder of what Jesus has done for me: He's made me a part of His family. 

I am His.

They are mine. 

I am so proud of so many of them. The way some of them are maturing & following God's call makes my heart so full. To hear them talk about their future plans & pursuing God's will for their life. I couldn't be more proud & excited to see what the Lord does in & through them. I know without a doubt they will be the change. The light. The difference. To their community. In their city. To their future families. 

I walked with Alexander through the jungle. I remember the impact he made on me when he first came 4 years ago. His mom raised him right. He quoted scripture. He was wise beyond his years. And at 16, he was becoming a man like one we've always dreamed of these boys becoming. He commands a room. He has a presence. He is so mature. He's handsome. He's so strong. He's faithful & honest & he loves His Jesus with all He has. 

"I can see you working here as a leader, Alex," I told him. 

"You love these kids and you know how to lead. You are different. God is doing something in you." 

He responded telling me that is his desire. That he wants to go to school & get married & serve full time in this ministry. 

I held back the tears as I felt my heart would explode. I am SO incredibly proud of him for overcoming all odds. For being a man of God. 

Sadness fills my heart as I see some children close themselves off to God & His promises. They become hardened. They close down. They put up walls to cope with their emotions. So many of them come from such dark pasts, full of deep hurt. They carry such heavy burdens. I only wish I could lift them from their shoulders. I wish I could beg them to have Jesus take those burdens so they don't have to bear the weight. 

For now, I can only do what I can do be their constant. I can go see them & love until I can't give any more. Every six months. Twenty days a year. Oh, how I wish it could be more.  Through piles of paperwork, hours on the phone with the airlines, tears over the schemes of the enemy to try & thwart our plans. To disunify our team. To stress me out. 

Every bit is worth it. 

To see their sweet faces. To hug those precious necks. To hear their giggles in the hammock. To hear them call my name- every 5 minutes. To hold their dirty hands. To kiss their foreheads. To hold their faces in my hands & look into those deep brown eyes. 

As I prepared to leave, I did all I could to take in every moment. To engrave their faces deep in my mind. To etch those memories so deep so I can relive them in America. Sitting in the maloka, I went around and held each of them in my arms. I told them how special they were and how much I loved them. I told them I would always come back. And I won't make them a promise I can't keep. Peering into those deep brown eyes & feeling weak over those precious dimples, I held Rogelio's face in my hands. I'm so proud of him. Of all of them. He's grown into an incredible young man. He's always happy. He's always content. 

"Nunca cambies," I told him. 

Never change.

And I broke down. I lost it as he enveloped me in a hug I never wanted to end. Precious boy, God has a plan for you. 

I plead with God & what he wants me to do. 

Am I doing enough? Am I supposed to be away from them? Am I giving selflessly enough? 

It hurt more this time to leave them than ever. Every departure Brings fear about the time in between. Fear that some won't be there when I get back. Fear of their hearts. Fear that the enemy will do absolutely everything in his power to keep them away from the Light. 

But I can't live in fear. 

All I can do is pray. 

Pray for their hearts to be mended and close to their Heavenly Father. Pray that He will bring them comfort in their times of fear and loneliness. Pray for protection over their lives. Pray for God to fight for them. Pray that He will do a mighty work in them so they may be the change. 

I don't know if they'll ever know how much they've changed my life. How much I adore them & think of them every day. How I would cross a thousand oceans and rivers and sleep on 100 airport floors. Sit on the phone for hours with the airline. Fill out paperwork until my hand hurts. Fundraise until I'm completely exhausted. Do whatever it takes. 

Just to see their faces. 

Sometimes I wish they would never change. But I know Jesus changed me & He can also change them- for the good.  All I can do is pray for the change in their hearts to be one that mirrors that of Christ Jesus. 

Covered by His grace, 

Kailee 

Our Time in Cusco

A few things we’ve learned in Cusco:

1)   Earplugs are really important. Especially when the neighbors have a full-on rave until 3am. On a weeknight. With a live mariachi band.

2)   Traffic is no joke. Plan for it.

3)   Neither are mountain roads. Especially in an overcrowded van.

4)   People are serious about their festivals. To the point of men picking up cars on the streets to make room for parade processionals.

5)   People in Cusco have lots of festivals in June. Like the whole month. See #2

6)   It’s cold. All the time.

7)   You can always pick out the gringos (white people).

8)   Guinea pig is a delicacy. {And they have teeth & heads that look at you}

9)   It’s customary to greet others very warmly & often with a kiss on the cheek.

10) Church services last 3 hours. Maybe longer.

11) Popeyes & Papa Johns are cheaper {and oh so delicious} here.

12) Rice is a way of living. You eat it twice a day. Every day.

13) It’s common to not cook on Sundays. See #11

14) Sometimes you really miss hearing English.

15) The generosity of a family opening their home & lives to you is something you can never repay.

16) We love the jungle much more than the city.

17) A southern pound cake doesn’t cook the same at 11,000 feet.

18) It’s common for parents to force their young children to work to support their families.

19)  Many parents leave their children to raise themselves.

Since our time in Cusco has come to an end, we just want to graciously thank those who have supported us financially, through prayer & encouragement. What a crazy month it has been being completely submersed in another culture & learning a new language. We have come so far & couldn’t have done it without our heavenly Father & the support of those who love us.

I was thinking tonight about a Spanish class I took online during my last year of college. I remember one of the final assignments was a live chat with a native Spanish speaker who had to assess me orally by asking a list of questions. I remember FREAKING OUT about the assignment, dreading it all semester. Before I logged on (with sweaty palms), I was just praying it would go quickly & be over soon. Looking at where I am now, I can truly say I have come a VERY long way. Yeah, I’ve still got words that I forget in conversation & an unending list of verbs that start with the letter ‘p’ that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to differentiate. I still get nervous when I speak & forget how to properly conjugate or use the past tense. It’s still hard to understand children, & I definitely have a long way to go. But I will say that my understanding & literacy of the Spanish language has grown leaps & bounds over the past 4 weeks. I can finally smile at myself because I can order at a restaurant fully in Spanish. I can make small talk with the taxi driver about where I’m from  & why I’m in Peru. I can tell my teacher about my plans for the weekend. I can correspond with the family we live with about their day. I find myself doing something & trying to describe it in my head in Spanish. 4 weeks ago I could barely form a few sentences, & today I am telling full stories in a language different than my own.

In case anyone was wondering why we left our lives, jobs, & home to come here, it all comes down to 40 sets of beautiful brown eyes & 40 pairs of dirty hands deep in the jungles of Peru. I know some will never understand the love God has given us for the precious boys of Iquitos, Peru. But that’s okay- I don’t expect you to until you meet them. They’ve changed us. They’ve made us realize that our time here on earth should be invested in service to the Kingdom, not the American dream. God has given Titus & I a vision to reach these children & more just like them right where they are in lives of abandonment, filth, & hopelessness. And in order to make that possible, we have to be able to speak their language. Yeah, it’s a little crazy but we’re willing to be crazy- crazy for our Jesus because of the crazy love He has for us.

Love makes you do crazy things.

En las montañas

On saturday, we had a truly amazing experience high in the mountains, away from the city of Cusco. We went with Willy's cousin Mario again to the day camp they do at a center in a rural community- fairly new program they established only a few weeks ago. A couple weekends ago we only caught the tail end of the time so we were up at 6:30am to catch the whole morning with the kids. Mario had to pick up a few other church members so he let us meet with his pastor & his wife while he was getting the others. It was really cool to talk to them & hear of their vision with the children they minister to. They have a Christian church of about 80 people nearby. On our way up the mountain, we all prayed together over the day & the children we would encounter & listened to some Hillsong worship in Spanish 😊 It's really cool to be with like-minded people who share our heart for these precious little ones.

Kids were waiting for us as we arrived from age 3 up to 13, around 30 kids in all. I helped one of the ladies butter some bread & make hot chocolate for the kids while Titus went with the pastor's wife into the community to invite children. One thing we see a lot of is children having to work to support their families so their parents won't allow them to participate. It's really sad. Apparently it's a big problem in the region for the parents to be alcoholics & just let their children raise themselves. It shows when we see these children, not even preschool age, with unbrushed hair, filthy clothes & empty bellies. 

They have a pretty neat set up in the small one room center. They bring a laptop & projector & do some really cute songs with lyrics/video & movement. My fav was "Jesus is my Superhero"- he's better than Batman & Spider-Man :) There was a time in the singing where they put on a worship song & asked the kids to pray quietly while the leaders went around laying hands on the children & praying over them by name. I could only standby & watch through tears as I as some incredibly godly individuals show love to these children in such a tangible way. It was such a beautiful expression of love. 

Afterwards, they split the kids into 3 age groups & I got to be with the preschoolers. We played with different toys & colored pictures together, talking abut where Jesus lives (in our hearts!). The older children did a bible lesson & played some bible trivia games. They do a really good job of engaging the kids & heavily interacting. Although I got snot wiped all over me & had dirty hands all over my face, it was my favorite morning that we've had in Cusco. Look forward to seeing them all one more time this weekend! I so enjoy getting to see little girls- little Maryioria stole my heart 

After our time in Calca, we took a taxi to Huycho to see the Scripture Union Girasoles boys home (same organization that we work with in the jungle). It was so different than jungle life! It was really neat to meet some of the boys & see the home there. 

On Sunday we joined Mario & his wife at church. It was definitely an experience :) Many of the children & women waved around flags & shouted with praise for the hour & a half time of singing & worship! There was also a really neat time of testimony where church members shared about answered prayer & then we listened to a message. At the end, they made announcements & celebrated birthdays with a cake. Everyone was so kind & welcoming to us. We really enjoyed the experience & it just neat to be in another country speaking a completely different language but serving the same mighty God who is the same in America as he is in Peru. 

On Sunday's it's not common to cook; so we got us some Popeyes chicken & biscuits & enjoyed it in our room for the afternoon 😊 Last week in Cusco- tomorrow is Titus' 26th birthday, his second time celebrating it in Peru. Attempting to make a pound cake today without a measuring cup & some very different milk- will see how it goes but figured I better do it today in case I ruin it 😁 He's not big on celebrating but I'm about to go shopping for a few fun things. We're just so ready for some warm jungle weather, awaking to the sound of sweet Spanish voices singing praise, & warm hugs & giggles shining in those dark brown eyes! 

Covered by His grace alone, 

kb

Machu Picchu

Visited Machu Picchu last weekend. Was an interesting trip. Our tour schedule gave us a LOT of downtime in the city which was a huge tourist trap & everything was priced SO high. We enjoyed having a visit with Billy Greenman who's over the Girasoles boys program run by Scripture Union. Our hostel was literally on the train track & smelled like sewage. The group from our school wanted to catch the 6am sunrise over MP but we opted out- thankfully we didn't get up because it was raining & clouds covered the sun until later in the morning! 

We enjoyed touring Machu Picchu & were glad we went. Spent a few hours there before heading back for a pricey lunch. Our train didn't leave until 7pm & so we had hours to spare... Decided to pay the $20 fee to get another room at the hostel where we napped & showered before heading to the train station. Thankfully we were well rested & not wiped out like the rest of the group! 

We've been struggling at school- it's been difficult to have such an overload of information & not be practicing it enough. We finished the basic book but the intermediate book goes very deep into past tense & irregular verbs & it's just a lot. I've felt really discouraged & like I'm not getting further along. Felt like the weekend was a big setback only speaking English. Monday was a rough day in class. Festival traffic & road closings kept us from going to class today & tomorrow tomorrow is a holiday so we will study at home again. Really feel this week & next we just need to be conversing & working on our vocab- our biggest goal is just to be able to talk to the kids more. I feel like I understand much more than I did but I'm just more hesitant to speak & feel like I forget things when I go to talk because I get nervous.

Been feeling a bit homesick & tired of being here. Sick of being cold & not being able to eat food- every time I eat something I actually enjoy I end up sick.  

Have run into several children on the street that have broken our hearts. It's hard to know what to do or how to respond but we always try to treat them with kindness. So much need in this country for Gods most treasured. 

Until next time

Kb